Never have I ever….
Have you ever felt like the universe was taking a massive shit on you? Nah? Just me… kidding, I know that I am part of this club that none of us ever asked to join. Life is hard you guys, parenthood is hard, existing is hard.
I think I honestly spent so much time trying to be okay, I forgot to listen to myself, I forgot to listen to my own advice. I forgot that it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to fall apart into a million pieces. I had to remind myself that shit happens and there isn’t always a good reason for it.
The beginning of my year was smacked with some shitty ass lessons in trust and friendship. Then my car broke down. Then my poor child was in the hospital and that began a cascade of other issues. Just when I thought we were getting a handle on the situation, another terrifying trip and stay at the hospital was needed. Then a week after getting home my mom had a mini stroke on vacation. A few weeks later I was in the hospital for almost a week with internal issues that they never did quite figure out. Then there was a slew of people passing away, out of nowhere, it was beyond heart breaking. Then another friendship had to end, it hurts when you realize things are no longer serving you. Boundaries are not fun.
Nothing else could possibly happen right? Welp…. Saturday evening I got hit head on while my car was stopped in a turn lane. My car is totaled. I am injured, my brain feels like sludge, my anxiety is unbearable, my mood swings keeping everyone on their toes. I am truly a mess. Even the other parties insurance had jerked me around, I still don’t have a rental and tomorrow is 6 days. I hurt and can’t seem to stay medicated enough to stay out of pain.
How am I even going to afford a new car. I deserve to get a car that makes me feel comfortable. I have spent more time in rentals in the last 4 years than I care to admit… (thanks suntrup and carvana) This year has taken so much out of me that I genuinely don’t know what to do next. As parents, adults, and even just humans, we are forced to minimize ourselves to make other people comfortable. I said to a family member this week, how much is one person supposed to be able to take. Their response was “a lot, its what we do”
How shitty, but it is also the truth… I mean truly what am I going to do. Just stop living because its a lot? I have two kids who need their mom, I have bills that need to be paid, I have passions I need to chase, I have an empire to build. So I got up today, don’t get me wrong I haven’t stopped crying since Saturday; then I showered, I did my make up, I got kidnapped by my tribe and then returned with laughs, rubs, and love. Oh how I needed it. I don’t physically feel better, but my soul feels less hopeless.
I have no idea how the rest of this year is going to go. I honestly have never thought I was so close to having a legitimate mental breakdown. I kept trying to be strong for everyone…. I have always felt like my lifelong battle with mental health issues make me a burden to those who love me. While I will say I have gotten better at being a people pleaser, old habits die hard. I am so used to just being okay, because thats what I have always done, I honestly don’t even know how to explain how I feel inside in words. It makes me wonder why there are not words to describe all of the feels we have.
I do have so many blessings in life. I am so abundant and I preach about it like it makes everything better. I think maybe my message isn’t quite getting across in the way I mean it. My abundance, my family, my friends, my extended family, they are my strength when I don’t have it, they are my light, throwing me the ring when I am caught in the tide. They don’t make things magically better, they don’t make the hurt any less heavy. They do make sure I am not alone, even when I can’t quite communicate that I am not okay.
Saturday evening after I got hit I called my dad, then I called my husband, then I called my best friend because she was a block away. I was terrified and in shock. My mom called me and told me my brother was on his way, I was in the ambulance when he got there, my friends who were down the street were there as well. I was nauseous and dizzy… panicked. I wasn’t alone though. When I did not feel comfortable going to an unfamiliar hospital in the city, my brother instantly announced he was taking me. He stayed with me the whole time and ensured I got timely care, then he took me home. Smythe was waiting up for me when I got home and my tribe has come out the woodwork everyday since.
I am lucky. I honestly don’t think I would have survived the last few days alone. My business partner has made my health a priority giving me the week to stay home and recover. My children have appreciated having me slow down a bit, tonight I rocked each of them to sleep. Then Smythe and I sat on the back porch looking at our plants while the dogs frolicked in the yard. Now I’m sitting outside, inspired, inspired to be vulnerable, inspired to be unfiltered. It is so easy to make life look all rainbows and butterflies online, but always take it with a grain of salt.
Love yall.
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