Strength
I haven't had it in me to write. If I sit down and write about how I feel, then I have to confront how I feel. To be frank, I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. My ability to handle all of these things in my life is truly being put to the test.
Something I have learned over the five years is that, when you are unable to safely express how you feel inside to those around you; you are often mistaken for strong, having your emotional needs not recognized and shoved to the side. Wow what a sentence, I am sure I completely butchered the grammar there 😂
Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong, the problem is I don't feel strong. I feel broken. I appear strong outwardly as I have always been taught that I had no other choice. This typhoon of emotions has stopped me from doing things I love though. I haven't painted since the mural I did in the girls room. I haven't picked up an instrument in months. I write non stop, but to publish my work would make me a modern day Sylvia Plath. They are beautiful, poetic, but all together tragic. Some angry, some sad, some imaginative, others wistful and seductive all at the same time. I often wonder if I will ever come to a place where I feel vulnerable enough to share that part of me with the world, with anyone. My words seem to be the only thing I have to express the depths of my energy.
I have been hurt and stepping back into the world I existed in a year ago is scary but exhilarating. The future is always an open book, but navigating my new normal in this environment has been jarring. I am less concerned that I am going to spill my entire life story, but more worried that I will hurt people or offend them because I have no filter. It is an oxymoron...in the moment I no longer possess the capacity to sit silently just to pacify. Confrontation used to make me anxious, panic stricken even. I was so worried about people disliking me because I was trying to live up to a character I created, that I forgot to like myself. When we don't focus on liking ourselves and get sucked into the drama, there are inevitably consequences. I am no longer afraid of facing those, I am not going to hide scared, it just isn't who I am anymore.
All the same, I am struggling.
I run to nature, my favorite outdoor spots almost daily. Starting tomorrow I am a full time stay at home mom. I am absolutely terrified and excited at the same time. I am planning on getting a pass to our local pool and I am working on finding the most amazing adventure spots. Both my girls are obsessed with being outdoors like their mama, I hope to be able to give them the experiences of riding horse, and growing up on a farm. I dream of land, animals, gardening, baking, and lots of babies. It's what I used to want growing up. The only part I will have to truly manifest is having more kids, for real, give me a brood!
In the past few years I had changed my mind about wanting a lot of kids. Then everything shifted, around easter my twin brothers who are 14 months younger than me planned a get together. Between the three of us we have 6 children, our youngest siblings are solidly on the dog train right now. The get together was to go to an Easter egg hunt and the grab dinner, Mexican food is truly never a bad idea. It was incredible. Our kids ages are from 5 1/2 - less than a month. The next month it was the zoo. This month we are obviously taking a small hiatus, my sister in laws are ABSOLUTE champs. Both boys were 9.1 pounds!
I am getting off track..
The family time, imagining my other two siblings if they choose to have kiddos joining in eventually for monthly cousin playdates. It is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have experienced, being an aunt, being a mom, and I cannot forget all of the events with Smythe's side. I lost a lot in the accident, but I have gained quite a bit of perspective in its aftermath. Family. Crazy. Messed up even. I am truly luckier than the dude on the Lucky Charms box, especially when there was a surprise inside. I don't have a car, I don't have a full time income, but I have everything else. Children, friends, family, community, dogs, Angela, Robyn, Aly, Jorie, Ellie, and my siblings.
And probably way more people I am forgetting.
I don't believe it is our place to call people strong, unless you are referring to them physically. I think the people who are referred to as strong, are often just those who never felt safe enough to speak up. I think that people are capable of pulling up their big pants and keep on keeping on, but that doesn't mean they feel strong. I don't intend to speak for everyone else, but from over here strength feels like hopeless.
I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunities and accomplishments I have. As I nervously, yet undeniably excitedly, enter this new era of my life, I hope I have the capacity to write more. I miss talking about cannabis. I use it everyday, in-fact I have been hitting SuperBoof from HeadChange (@headchange710) with my Lookah SeaHorse Pro while writing this.
I have no what I am doing.
I have no idea where I am going.
What I do know is that I am a fucking badass who has had the glow up of a life time so I am going to go on ahead and do the damn thing.
💚
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