Inside
I wake up, make the bed, motivated. I am excited for the day, I have a game plan. I go to the bathroom and look at my self and feel a twinge, I am not really sure what it is, but I am getting used to being in an immense amount of pain everyday. I get the girls hair done as they are eating breakfast and get myself ready to go. We load up our car, girls, backpacks, toolboxes, work bags and of course ample amounts of medicine. We set off for the day.
It starts with the whining, my oldest has been on a banshee spree, screaming over and over, when something happens she doesn’t like. Today it was about taking her barbies to school. I feel rage seething through me and have to put my headphones in. I don’t even play anything, just use it to calm the noise, I begin to spiral in my head. What kind of mom feels rage, it goes from 0-100, because their kid is being a kid. If I am medicated, the feelings wouldn’t be so overwhelming. None the less it is 7 in the morning and I didn’t get up early enough to do all of that.
The spiral continues and I not only am drowning in rage, now I wonder why I am here, I am a failure, I am a burden, my girls deserve a better mom. It just continues and continues until I am crying hysterically and having a full on meltdown. The pain in my body, my head, my neck and my back; it can be suffocating, especially when I begin to have a meltdown. Then it is over as soon as it started, 20 minutes of complete mental chaos, then silence.
These episodes are usually followed by an immense amount of embarrassment and guilt. Then I will cry again in defeat, because what can I do, I am working on getting into all of the appointments and dealing with the 80,000 things that have to be done within work hours. Im drowning. Then the confusion, brain fog, and exhaustion hit. By 10:00 AM, I am ready to go to bed for a while. That however is not a possibility, because now I have to work and be a productive adult.
I have always been good about internalizing and hiding how bad my mental health was from people. When I got out of my unmedicated manic episode 2 years ago, I realized that something had to change, that I wasn’t mentally healthy. I began actively working on my mental health, I got into consistent therapy, and began seeing a team of doctors that worked in collaboration to diagnose and treat me. It worked really well at first, then they added a med and things went downhill. I entered what would be an almost year long manic state due to the drug interactions. It wasn’t until end of September last year that I realized this and took myself off the medication that was causing the interaction.
I was so relieved, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then slam. 30 second of someone else texting while driving upended my entire life. I know it sounds dramatic, because it is pretty fucking dramatic.
I thought that by now things would be fine. I mean it was October and I wasn’t “majority physically hurt” other than the 3 discs in my spine being messed up and the concussion. What I didn’t know is that my concussion was more than a concussion. My eyes don’t move together anymore, my depth perception is completely messed up leading me to break my nose the day after the accident and my finger a few weeks ago. I get dizzy and lose my balance frequently throughout the day, knocking into things constantly. This is all evident by the increased bruising all over my body. I thought I bruised easy before, now I look downright beaten somedays.
Lets move on to the brain-fog, headaches, and confusion. It is more than disarming to be driving somewhere you have driven to 100000 times and suddenly not know where you are, what you are doing, and where you are going. It’s terrifying. Before seeking mental health treatment I had crippling highway anxiety, it was one of the first things I conquered, and I was so proud. Now my panic attacks have returned tenfold. They aren’t just about driving anymore either.
Work has become increasingly difficult, focus, productivity, you name it. Fortunately I now have a coworker working with me, essentially kicking ass, taking names, and ensuring that I am able to stay in task. It has been more than helpful, but still, I am continually getting sidetracked, often just fading out into nothingness.
I had no idea that having a brain injury, combined with being bipolar, could cause the things I am currently experiencing. The emotional whiplash, the inability to regulate my emotions, the overwhelming feeling of just wanting to disappear, not die, but disappear. You know, run away so I am no longer a burden to anyone. I am terrified daily that something else will happen. I am terrified that I will never feel better, that I am always going to be in pain. I am scared that the shooting pains in my head will never stop and that I will never be able to make it through the day without a nap. I am afraid I will have to use maps for the rest of my life because I can no longer trust myself to drive with out something verbally reminding me where I am going.
All of that aside, when you don’t look different, when you don’t look physically broken or mentally disheveled; people tend to assume you are fine. People who live in chronic pain, ah lets be real women in general; tend to not have their pain taken seriously. I have fallen victim to this time and time again. I am not rolling around on the floor scream and crying, so obviously I must be an addict coming in for pain pills. Even before the accident, I have experienced chronic pain, I have always been treated as such. News flash though, I DONT WANT THEM, I hate the way they make me feel. I just desperately want to feel better. “But you look fine.”
How many times does someone need to say they are not okay before people finally start listening?
After the accident, I had to take a decent amount of time off work, I had it in my head that I would heal, get a small settlement from my injuries, and life would be fine and dandy. Welp, that was not realistic, and it is certainly not my reality. It has been a roller coaster, it has taken time to get my friends and family who are surrounding me; to understand how bad and life altering this situation is. Like how can I still not make it through an entire day of work. Why are my emotions so heightened and volatile. While my brain knows the answer to these questions, my soul, my consciousness, shit even my very being is begging for it to all just get better.
I went to my neurologist Monday, I am so grateful for him and for my chiropractor. They have been phenomenal and vital in my healing process. He has offered me options for pain, things that could cause interactions and other issues. He and I discussed thoroughly my options and we both came to the conclusion that plant medicine is still my best and most effective option. Please read that again. MY NEUROLOGIST AGREES THAT PLANT MEDICINE IS MY SAFEST PAIN RELIEF OPTION. What a fantastic gift that is.
My dad has chemo today, it is his second round. This morning started emotionally heavy and I feel like I will never catch up. I feel like I will never be okay and that I am a burden to those in my life. I question even posting this, but this is my reality right now. This is what I am dealing with daily, this is why I don’t call, this is why I don’t text. I am not hurting myself, nor do I want to, I don’t want to die. Fortunately I have been able to delve into some of these emotions with my therapist and I have a handful of people who refuse to let me internalize it and who let me freely express emotional whiplash inducing episodes.
I probably talked in circles and barely remember what I wrote. The truth is that we are humans, sisters, brothers, parents, children, cousins, friends, and a lot of us are good at internalizing how we feel. What do you do though when you are no longer capable of masking your emotions? What do you do when you feel splayed out, as if you are under a microscope, some people think you look fine and then the professionals are sitting there picking apart the cells making lists of all the problems. Why can’t there be a solid resolution? Why is this something that is still so up in the air?
There is no end date, while it may not last forever, probably and hopefully won’t, there is no clear idea of what will happen moving forward. That is scary. It is exhausting.
Fortunately as time goes on, my closest circle is beginning to understand the depths of this situation. They are beginning to understand that I am not avoiding things, it’s just that I have so many things to do, I just simply can’t catch up. They aren’t telling me that I have to just be okay anymore. My poor work family had to see me have an emotional upheaval last week, I had tried and tried to pretend like I was okay. My boss asked me about making sure my appointments were all on one day and all hell broke loose. I am grateful that we were able to work through it, but it was the first time my team was able to understand that I had been trying to keep it from them and why.
As I move forward with this, just know I may smile in pictures, but I also cry in the shower. I may be giving out amazing advice, but sometimes I struggle to follow these same words. That as much as I feel like a bad mom; my ability to remove myself, medicate and come back a new person, means I am not a bad mom. I am human and also holding on for dear life. You aren’t alone.
I am so grateful to be sober though. 1.5 years alcohol free, almost 2. I can’t even imagine what my state would be if I was still drinking to drown out my problems. That would be a whole different shit show.
Man, I can preach and preach about plant medicine saving my life, buy I need to take a moment and acknowledge my circle. Thank you for being here, thank you for not leaving like some after the accident. Thank you for realizing that I fell off because I wasn’t okay, not because I didn’t care about our friendships.
I want to also say thank you to those who have accepted my apologies, being alone in my head so much has opened my eyes a bit. When you learn to be uncomfortable with yourself and learn to see your own misgivings, it helps you grown and move forward. Taking accountability and not being the victim in situations is hard sometimes, especially when you weren’t in a clear mental state. It was something I struggled with, how could I be sorry for something that happened when I wasn’t myself? What a mess right?
Lastly, forgive yourself. You are human. As the trolls said in Frozen 2, you can only do the next best thing. Pick up and do better and be better. Treat people with grace, you never know what they are going through. You can look mighty fine on the outside and still be drowning from the pressure of existing.
Love you
留言