How does one even begin to write about it lol?
We will start with the sparks note version, last year began with car issues in the excess of 5k. Then two hospitalizations and countless specialists appointments and doctors visits. The end of a bizarre manic episode. My mom’s stroke. Three deaths in the span of a month, one being suicide. My hospitalization for a week due to severe stomach issues. Then the car accident. Brain injury, chronic pain, and bipolar episode due to being suddenly forced off my medication. My family members court case where I had to read two victim impact statements in front of a piece of shit rapist and his creepy ass attorney, YES YOU MARK HAMMER. Another family members hospitalization. Countless instances of having to upend my life to go deescalate situations. Now my father has cancer and begins chemo this month. Then the other situations I cant even talk about.
Life is a wild ride, that is for damn sure.
I haven’t had the capacity to write, the focus and words just don’t flow the way they used to.
I would be remiss to say that I am okay, but I am better than I have been in a long time. I don’t have a car, I cannot afford one, and it is going to be okay. I get to spend a ton of time with my girls and at home. I don’t try and fill my space up any longer to escape being alone in my head.
I am Bipolar. I never wanted to admit it and I FOUGHT the diagnosis. Me? Bipolar? No effing way. I can’t be a good mom with amount of other mental ish going on, much less add on being bipolar.
I am unsure if it is related, but for a solid year and some change they had me on ADHD medicine as well. During that time I experienced a very interesting manic episode, when I look back at it, I remember it, but from an out of body perspective. It is bizarre and when I took myself off of it due to the inconsistency in being able to fill it, whatever was going on began to stop.
The car accident forced me to slow down a lot. It helped me face all of the things I didn’t want to deal with. I reflected a lot and saw that there were emotions that I was actively trying to avoid dealing with by filling my time with work and events. I realized that I never stopped going, it used to be a running joke that I was everywhere, and now that I am nowhere there is a silence in my life I haven’t had in a long long time.
I was sitting in my car before one of my appointments last week, I had been thinking about how I was going to phase out of the stl stoner mom. Something shifted in that silence, there was a growth, a realization. The STL Stoner Mom was a huge part of me, the defining part of me really, for the past few years. She was fun, bubbly, and in your face about cannabis. She was everywhere. She was excited about the MO cannabis industry and growing to become known all over the world for what she does. She achieved that. I found out a couple weeks ago that my followers span from Australia, Wales, Bangladesh, Croatia, Canada, South Africa, and even more. How incredible.
Having achieved that goal, The STL Stoner Mom Era came to an end. I realized in the silence that the Missouri industry is no longer what it was. I no longer have the same love and desire to be part of it. Also, I am so so so much more than the stl stoner mom, I am Cecilia.
My page has now become a safe place to talk about binge drinking and choosing to get sober from alcohol. We talk about self love and mental health, we practice meditation and scripting. I have found that my true passion in life is teaching people how to love themselves. I have already taken on a couple of clients, from accountability partner to compassionate listening, I am utilizing my empathy and ability to be an amazing friend to help people love and choose themselves.
I am also fully engulfed in building up my marketing agency, Digital Smoke. I never knew how much I would love the creative side of marketing. I could admit that I LOVED graphic design in high school or even that I have had a photography company for over a decade. I guess it does kind of make sense! To be completely honest, when I was in high school, I dreamt of being a photo journalist.
The marketing agency is incredible and as we build our client base we are seeing an amazing shift in how creative marketing is done. We focus on alternative businesses, restaurants with gnarly themes, tattoo shops, headshops, dispensaries, and more. I am living my literal dream.
I have also decided to share my love and belief in manifesting with the world. I sit back and appreciate the fact that I didn’t peak in high school. This glow up was worth the wait!
Thank you for being here, I ask that you like and share this post. I know there are women out there experiencing life through a mindset that isn’t making things better. I know that I was put here to help people realize that we are the creators of our own happiness and our own lives. I am also a living example that taking care of yourself can look like therapy, medication, and meditation. It can look like so many things, you just have to decide to do it.
Love always.
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