The Shame of Asking for Help

This year started off weird, I don’t know if it is just me, but when it rains it storms. 2023 has had a bit of it all, shitty people, shitty situations, shitty luck, shitty health, shitty cars, lol it's just always something. That is not to say that there are not plenty of good things happening, but sometimes the bad things do feel like they outweigh the good. 

Starting a few months ago, my car began acting weird, go figure right? It had already been a tough winter because the kids had gone back to school full time and they didn’t have any assemblages of immune systems due to quarantine. It seemed as if one of them was sick every single week and then I myself would get sick right after that. Finally the days off for stomach bugs and fevers ended and my transmission decided it was just done. It took a minute but we were able to get it fixed and I was so excited, everything was groovy. Right?

Well, around the same time I started getting kidney infections every couple of weeks. It was like I could not stay hydrated enough. So now we have added in multiple appointments due to a chronic kidney issue. At least at this point I have a working car to take myself to said appointments, things calmed down for a few weeks and then bam another kidney infection. I was in so much pain and I began to fall into a fit of depression, I was having a really hard time finding the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried and tried and tried to write, but I felt sad, I felt lonely, and my head wasn’t a very fun place to be. The days felt like they were passing me by as I ran frantically on this spinning wheel trying to keep up. 

I started taking back my energy. It was hard, I tend to over extend myself and give too much of myself to people. I forget to take care of myself because I so desperately want to take care of others. I began isolating myself again, ignoring text messages, avoiding events, you know, all of the things you do when you don’t have the capacity to people. During this time something even worse than I could have ever imagined happened. 

My 2 ½ year old daughter Jade was bitten on June 15th by a brown recluse on the top of her foot. It wasn’t immediately obvious that we had such a serious situation on our hands though. The morning of the 16th Jade woke up with a fever and a swollen foot, I decided to keep her home out of an abundance of caution and boy was I glad I did. Jade woke up from her nap and her food had gone from slightly swollen to full of cellulitis, it was flaming hot and had begun developing blisters. The area around the now apparent bite was inflamed and dark purple, her poor toes were so swollen they were blue. 

There is something that happens to me when it is time to buck up and deal with an emergency, it is as if I mentally shut down the parts of my brain that do not need to work so I can focus without falling apart. Within 20 minutes Jade and I were at Children’s Hospital, being admitted shortly there after. We had a team of specialists come see us and this is what has begun a very long process of monitoring and healing. Jade had been bitten by a brown recluse, she developed necrosis, APEG (I think that is how you spell it) a blood infection accompanied by a rash, and now she is forming an ulcer at the site as well. While I have always known that brown recluse bites are bad, it never occured to me that my child could get bit by one just playing outside. 

We scoured the house and Ivy got a surprise stay at Nana and Papa’s house but we were home a couple days later. Monday rolled around and Jade had begun developing the signs that the Toxicology Department had warned us of so back to the ER we went and I just broke down. How do I ask for help? Does asking for help make me weak? Because to be honest I am barely holding on. 

I don’t know why I associate asking for help with such a deep sense of shame. I have seen people do it, I have donated to them any time I can, but never once did I think that I would be publicly asking for help. I just can’t keep up, in a household with two working adults, it should not be this hard to survive. I had someone tell me in the most ignorantly innocent way that I should “just start an emergency fund”. How do I kindly tell them that if I am constantly living in a state of emergency, there is no way to get ahead. 

So I fought my pride. I cried about it a lot. Then I made a GoFundMe. My family needs help. Many people need help. The amount of medical bills we have coming are already weighing on my soul like a ton of bricks. How can anyone ever get ahead? I work 7 days a week, but because I am building up a new company, it takes longer to see a meaningful return on investment. The economy is not our friend right now, inflation is real, and it’s okay to talk about it. We have to stop pretending like everything is fine all the time. 

I have taken a step back from posting because honestly, I just don’t have it in me. I have been focused on snuggling my babies, helping a friend move, and bringing myself back to a place of equilibrium. I am shifting my energy back to that of someone who knows their worth, it doesn’t make me any less worthy to ask for and receive help. 

No one really prepares you for how scary being a mom can be. No one can really prepare you for adulthood, the trials and tribulations you will face. You have to be moldable, but more than that, you have to be willing to mold yourself into the person you want to be. You have to be willing to choose yourself, waking up everyday and putting your best foot forward. I am hoping that I will get back into the swing of writing again soon, when I don’t feel so bogged down with the obstacles life throws out. 

Thank you everyone for helping us, thank you for the kind words, thank you for understanding the lack of capacity I have currently to talk to people and communicate. 

While I am going to link the GoFundMe below, please know that kind thoughts, well wishes, and good vibes go a long way too.

Love Always

Cecilia 

https://gofund.me/0e4ac03e